By age 10, I’d already decided I was going to kill myself at 24, and I was looking forward to it, assuming I hadn’t already died by then. By my 14th birthday, I was doing my annual countdown from 10.
I don’t know if I’d be excited that I found things that made life worth living, or consider myself a failure for getting it wrong when I tried. Reflecting on that age, I don’t think myself an idiot or anything, I just see a kid who tried their best with what they had, and had already given up on what seemed like an inescapable situation. I feel bad for 14 year-old me, and I’m not sure I’d be able to face that kid without feeling completely destroyed.
I’m not sure if I’d be proud or disappointed.
trigger warning
By age 10, I’d already decided I was going to kill myself at 24, and I was looking forward to it, assuming I hadn’t already died by then. By my 14th birthday, I was doing my annual countdown from 10.
I don’t know if I’d be excited that I found things that made life worth living, or consider myself a failure for getting it wrong when I tried. Reflecting on that age, I don’t think myself an idiot or anything, I just see a kid who tried their best with what they had, and had already given up on what seemed like an inescapable situation. I feel bad for 14 year-old me, and I’m not sure I’d be able to face that kid without feeling completely destroyed.